


The Memoirs of Hermione Jean Granger

by bookwormswillruletheworld



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Muggle, Comedy, No Magic AU, This should be hilarious
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-18 09:33:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29731854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookwormswillruletheworld/pseuds/bookwormswillruletheworld
Summary: The true story of the golden trio's adventures as told by Hermione. There's no magic in this universe but almost nothing has changed. Everything is as literal as possible.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 2





	1. Preface: a word from the Author

**Author's Note:**

  * For [megSUPERFAN](https://archiveofourown.org/users/megSUPERFAN/gifts).



> Megolas, this is for you because you put this idea in my head. It lives there now and I wrote this instead of my Comp work so now its 230 and I can finally post it.
> 
> Y'all I know I already said this twice but this is supposed to be stupid, and crazy. And it will only get more so as we go on. There's no magic and its very literal.

Dear reader,

These are my memoirs.

The strange happenings of my youth as they were told to me and as I recall them.

You may have heard the tale told differently, but this is the truth of the matter.

There was no magic involved, it was all rather simple.

I hope you enjoy these stories as much as I enjoy telling them.

Happy reading,

Hermione Jean Granger


	2. Chapter Two: Harry Is Taken to the Dursley's

Mr. and Mrs. Dursely of Number 4 Privet Drive were perfectly normal and sane. To suggest they were anything otherwise would be met with scoffs and annoyed looks. Mr. Vernon Dursely worked a perfectly normal job at a drill company and Mrs. Petunia Dursley raised their son. Dudley Dursely was a spoiled child who wanted for nothing in his life.   
It was a perfectly average day for the Dursely’s. Vernon put on his perfectly boring and normal suit, gave Petunia and Dudley each a kiss and left for his perfectly normal job. On his way out, he thought he saw a cat reading a road sign. But cat’s can’t read road signs. Vernon spent his day yelling at people and then went to get a donut where he heard an odd group of people talking.  
“Potter”  
“That’s what I heard”  
“It can’t be true”  
“What about their son Harry?”  
This struck Mr. Dursley as odd, because while they might be normal his wife’s sister was decidedly not. Petunia didn’t appreciate being reminded of her sister so he had almost forgotten her name. He thought it was Potter and he thought that their son was named Harry but it might not be. He pushed it from his mind and went back to work with his donut.  
That evening Mr. Dursely returned home to Petunia and Dudley. Petunia told him about her perfectly normal day. Dudley had learned a new word “Shan’t!” and Mrs. Next Door had been out and about. Vernon had forgotten all about the odd people he heard talking earlier that day. The family had a normal dinner and all went to bed.  
Long after the Dursleys had gone to bed, a man came to Privet drive. He decidedly did not belong there. From his long beard to his boots, Albus Dumbledore stuck out like a sore thumb. As he walked down the street, Dumbledore repeatedly clicked a lighter, never getting any flame. Click. Click. Click. Everytime he clicked the lighter another streetlight went out. When he finally stopped clicking the lighter, he noticed a cat on the corner.  
“Fancy seeing you here, Professor McGonagall.”  
“Hello, Albus,” she emerged from the shadow, picking up the cat and putting it in a bag. “You aren’t actually thinking of leaving the child here are you, Albus?”  
“They’re the only family he has left.”  
“But they seem like the worst kind of muggles imaginable.”  
“But Family is everything Minerva.”  
Minerva rolled her eyes and said, “Well where is the boy then?”  
“Hagrid is bringing him.”  
“Hagrid is bringing him?! You think it’s a good idea to trust such a thing to Hagrid?”  
“I would trust him with my life,” a loud rattling noise reached their ears. A large motorcycle with wings on the side carrying a large man was coming down privet drive. “There he is now”  
“Good evening Professor Dumbledore, Professor McGonagall.” said Hagrid getting off his bike and picking up a bundle of blankets from the side car.  
“Evening Hagrid. A nice journey I assume.”  
“Oh yes sir, nice and quiet. The little tyke fell asleep as we were coming through bristol.”  
“Good. Good. Well give him here Hagrid.”  
“Careful, Albus, two hands!” Cried McGonagall reaching for the baby   
“Yes, Minerva, I know. We’ll leave him here with this note for his aunt and uncle,” Dumbledore began to walk up the drive at Number Four.  
“The doorstep, Albus? The doorstep? How can you be so casual about it? Leaving him like a package, shameful.”  
“It is the way it must be,” Dumbledore placed the bundle of blankets on the doorstep, nestled a note in the blankets and walked away. No one knew about the midnight visitors until the next morning when a very shocked Petunia Dursley went to put her empty milk bottles on the front step, and discovered a baby.

Now my dear readers, I must explain what had happened. The night before all of this across England, in a small town called Godric’s Hollow a man called Voldemort, although his proper name was Tom, murdered a young couple named Lily and James Potter. He drove a car into their home and killed them both. He was unable to kill their infant son, Harry, and fled in embarrassment. I feel I must also point out to you that Hagrid’s motor bike did not fly down Privet Drive but rather only had cardboard wings taped to the sides.


	3. In Which an Abnormally Large Figure Appears After an Assault of Endless Epistles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry gets his letters and Hagrid appears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I once again used this to delay doing my work so you get another late night chapter and that's probably how it always will be because I think thats when my brain makes this stuff up the best. There's no beta, we die like women on this hill

Now that we have established how Harry came to be at the Dursely’s we’re going to skip a few years to when Harry is eleven. There was almost no evidence that there was more than one child living in this house. There were only pictures of the Dursley’s son Dudley spanning the last decade. No pictures of young Harry, nothing to show he was there at all. Not even a bedroom. Indeed, young Harry slept in a locked cupboard under the stairs. You might wonder how they got away with this. Did Dumbledore not check up on them? The answer is of course not.

The week before Harry’s eleventh birthday, letters began arriving at the Dursley house addressed to Mr. H Potter Cupboard Under the Stairs Number 4 Privet Drive Little Whinging Surrey. So somebody at Hogwarts had to know what was going on and yet no one did anything. They moved Harry to a bedroom and the letters kept coming. Vernon absolutely lost his mind. He nailed doors and windows shut to keep the letters out and the Just Kept Coming. The Sunday before Harry’s birthday, letters came pouring out of the fireplace and anywhere they could get in. Naturally Vernon went even nuttier and packed up the entire family and left. The letters followed them from place to place until on July 30th, Vernon rented a boat and took the family to a tower on a rock in the middle of a bay. 

Vernon had not prepared well for this trip, with his provisions being bananas and chips. They ate his “provisions'' and Dudley still complained of being hungry and cold. Vernon, being the gentrified idiot he was, tried to light a fire using the chip bags, which failed. Settling in for the night, Mr. and Mrs. Dursley took the bed and put Dudley on the couch with warm blankets. They gave Harry the rattiest, thinnest blanket and went to bed. 

Close to midnight, Harry began counting down the seconds until his birthday. As it got closer and closer to midnight, Harry heard a bang outside of the tower. He thought it was just the storm outside, but then he heard it again. And again. At mignight, just as he was wishing himself a happy birthday, sad I know, he heard the loudest bang. And then the door came crashing down off its old hinges. In the doorway stood a very tall man. He was at least ten or eleven feet tall, and broad shouldered too. 

He walked in, stood the door back up, and walked over to the couch where Dudley was cowering.

“Couln’t make us a cup o’ tea, could yeh? It’s not been an easy journey…” the giant said turning to Vernon and Petunia who had come down the stairs at the commotion. Vernon was pointing a rifle at the giant with shaking hands. “Oi, budge up you great lump!”

Dudley scampered off the couch to try, unsuccesfully, to hide behind his parents.

“‘Arry there you are! Las’ time Ah saw you, you was just a baby. Right sight bigger you are now, I’d say,”

“You, sir, are Breaking and ENTERING! I Demand You LEAVE AT ONCE!” Vernon shrieked, face red as he tried to chamber the rifle.

“Oh shut up Dursely, ye’ great prune!’ The giant reached over the back of the couch, grabbed the gun, and tied it in a pretzel like knot. “Now as I was, sayin’. Itsa very big day for yeh ‘Arry. Its not every day yer young man turns eleven now is it? I ‘ave sommatt for ya. Made it all meself” The giant reached into a pocket of his very large jacket and pulled out a slightly squashed box, that he opened to reveal an equally squashed cake. He handed the box to Harry and look very pleased with himself. A breif aside my lovelies, I’m sure most of you have seen the episode of the Great British Baking show where one contestant makes a cake that looks horrible, but tastes amazing. Picture that cake but with the words “Happy Birthday Harry” on it. 

“I’m sorry but who are you?” asked Harry taking the box and looking up at the giant. 

“How rude o’ me. I’m Rubeus Hagrid, keeper of keys and grounds at Hogwarts. You’ll know all about Hogwarts o’ course.” He puffed out his chest and sat up straighter on the squished sofa, that groaned with the effort.

“Sorry, but I don’t. What’s Hogwarts?” Harry blushed and looked down at his ratty pjamas.

“Wha’s Hogwarts?! Why its the wizarding school in England!”

“Wizarding school? But wizards don’t exist,” 

“O’ course they do. Yer a wizard Harry.”

“I can’t be a wizard, I’m just Harry”

“We’ll just Harry, yer a wizard, and a thumping good one once you’ve ‘ad a bit o’ trainin’ up, I’d say, Didn ya ever wonder where yer parents learned it all?” 

“Learn all what?” Harry asked confused

“Why magic a’course”

“If my parents were magic how did they die in a car crash? Couldn’t they have saved themselves?”

“A CAR CRASH! A CAR CRASH KILL LILY AND JAMES POTTER? HOW COULD YEH JUS KEEP HIS HERTITAGE FROM HIM? HIS NAME ‘AS BEEN DOWN AT HOGWARTS SINCE HE WERE BORN!” 

“He’ll not be going and joining that cult of yours. No sir, we swore when we took him in we’d keep him away from that nonsense. We may not have gone about it the best way, but he’s not been exposed to that nonsense.” Petunia burst in loudly shoving Vernon out of the way to face Hagrid

“Iss NOT. Hogwarts is the finest wizarding school in the world with the finest headmaster there is, Albus Dumbledore” Hagrid exploded

My dear readers, I fear I must enlighten you as to what is going on. The wizarding world is indeed a cult of massive proportions. And Albus Dumbledore was not the finest anything unless you count fool. It’s also worth noting that a car crash did kill Lily and James, a car driven by a mass murdering xenophobic neonazi crashed into their house and killed them. Anyways, back to the story.

“You knew? You knew my parent’s didn’t die in a car crash and you LIED TO ME FOR ALL THIS TIME?” Harry yelled at his aunt and uncle release a decade of rage into those words

“Of course we knew. My sister being part of it all, and then marrying That boy. He was just a strange and just as far into it as she was. How could you not be. But we swore when we took you in you wouldn’t join them.”

“You cannt stop him. He’s going if he wants to go. What’da ya say Harry are ya goin?” Then Hagrid noticed that Dudley had gotten into Harry’s birthday cake. Hagrid produced a large umbrella and a pigs take on a hooked needle. He stuck the tail on the end of the umbrella and shouted at Dudley “Oi! You great pig!” Then he stabbed Dudley in the behind with the tail laden umbrella, getting the needle firmly hooked inside. Chaos ensued.

Of course Harry said he was going and that was settled. Hagrid managed to start a fire in the fire place made tea and sasuages and he and Harry went to sleep. Hagrid put his large coat on Harry like a blanket, which was very sweet gesture. The Dursley’s stomped off to bed shortly after Harry said he was going to Hogwarts.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the first work I've ever actually posted so I'm sorry if it's horrible.


End file.
